As I start this post, I don't suspect that anything earth shattering is going to come out of it. I've just had Rory on my mind a lot and feel like the best thing I can do is get some of my thoughts on paper.
Paul and Karen
We were fortunate enough to spend a night with Paul and Karen last week. They came over to see our place and to spend some time with the girls. It was so much fun watching Nattie and Macie interact with them. They are incredible people and we feel very blessed to have them in our lives.
Dreams about him
I've had a handful of dreams about Rory since he left us. Each dream has simply been a conversation with him about his death. Waking up from them is not one of my favorite things to do. It's so surreal.
Random act of kindness
On the morning of Rory's funeral, Gina and I were the first ones to the church. To fill the time, we decided to stop at Cub and get something to eat and drink. Gina stayed in the car and I went in to make the purchase. While waiting in line, the lady in front of me who was checking out told the cashier that she wanted to buy my two donuts and two drinks for me. It was completely a random act of kindness.
It was something simple but helped me so much that day.
In the moment, I just said thank you so much and left. I regret not telling her more about how she helped brighten up what was one of the worst days of my life.
Me Tarzan, you Jane
The last phone call I made to Rory was some night during the first week of December. Gina and I were watching Tarzan with Natalie and I felt the need to call and let him know how much he reminded me of Tarzan (or the other way around, however you want to look at it). It's pretty wild as it's not just physically but also in some of his mannerisms, etc.
He said that he thought that it was cool I called about it and that I was not the first person to tell him that.
Needless to say, Tarzan is a movie that is not currently available for Natalie to chose because it's not easy for me to watch.
Anger management
I may never be outright furious at Rory but anger is definitely there right now. Since about the first of the year, any time I've seen a picture of him I internally say "Damn you Tiemann!" Every time.
Right now, I don't even want to look at him. I'm OK with thinking and talking about him, but seeing his picture really upsets me. By upset I mean anger, not sadness.
Most of my anger stems from how much all of this has been affecting Gina.
Am I being selfish in feeling that way? Probably. But, he has affected my family life and has hurt people (i.e. not just Gina) that I care very deeply about. Even in death, he does not get a free pass for that.
While I think that as a whole I've done a decent job seeing the big picture, I believe that this portion of my anger is going to take a long long time to go away.
I am struggling with other pieces as well...
I've tried a couple of times to write about them here without any luck. I'm planning to write him a letter soon and will be addressing those things at that time.
11/27 - 12/19
I continuously go back to the conversations I had with Rory between 11/27 (i.e. the first entry in his letter) and 12/19. Even though I am sure his ringer was off, I also think often about the multiple times I tried to call him the night of the 18th.
It's a little eerie to me to think about all the talks I had with him after he had made up his mind about ending his life.
The Rory factor
I'm telling you, Rory is messing with me in regards to trains. Because of this, most of the conversations I've had with him have happened in reference to them. At first I was not OK with it but I feel that changing a bit.
As Gina has already explained, trains are all around us. We definitely hear them at our house but rarely do I get stopped by them on the roads near us. In fact, before a couple of weeks ago I had never been stopped on 170th Street and only twice at CR 42 / Hwy 3 in the nearly two years we've lived down here.
On 3/2 (on my way to the strato player draft of all places), I was stopped at both locations. It was only briefly on 170th but I had to watch the entire train pass me on 42 and 3. I just looked up and said, "was that really necessary?"
Did he think that he wasn't going to be on my mind the entire night already?
That's just one example, since then the trains have been playing games with me behind our house as well. One night I asked him to show his face if he was really behind it all and that night letting Casey out I could hear a train going by our place in the background. I just shook my head at him in disbelief.
It's creepy and comforting all at the same time. I wish that he would have believed that he was going to be saved (as the pastor did at his funeral) but it helps me with all this knowing that he believed there was a higher power.
It's starting to sink in
It's really starting to hit me that he's gone. I can keep it together and talk about the past and the memories I have with/of him. But it's almost impossible for me right now to talk about the future and what he won't be here for without getting choked up. It's so hard to think about.
Moments of sadness
Sometime in January I started to get these moments of sadness that come out of nowhere. I've never felt anything like it before. For a couple of seconds, a wave of sadness passes through me. During these moments, I'm able to feel where it begins in my body and where it ends. It is such a foreign experience to me.
Recently, they've changed. They still only last for a couple of seconds but now it feels more like I am about to begin crying...then passes just as quickly as it came.
At my worst point, I was getting the waves multiple times per day. Right now, I am getting them a couple of times a week. By far the most common time for it to happen is when I am reading with Natalie in her room as I am putting her to bed.
Strato 2008
Strato is going to be very hard for me this year, I just know it. In fact, I had a lot of other reasons why it made sense to stay home this past Tuesday (i.e. opening night of the season) but it was Rory that put it over the top. I just don't think I was ready to be there playing regular season games without him. Strato has been a big part of our lives for a long time (and baseball, outside of music and possibly girls, was the topic that Rory and I talked about most often).
Strato was also such an easy way for me to be able to see him on a weekly basis. Even with how hectic these nights can be, the two of us did a good job of taking time to catch up with each other whenever possible.
I'm going next week no matter what but I wouldn't be surprised if the night ends up being a bit emotional for me.
Retired strato players / Sunset bowl - Cereal bowl
In trying to figure out what we could do to honor Rory, our strato / fantasy football groups did two things that I'd want to at least mention because I'm really proud / happy with the decisions we've made in regards to this.
First of all, we
retired eleven strato players that we truly felt were Rory's and that no one else should ever use again. They will be considered his team forever.
Secondly, for fantasy football we have renamed the Super Bowl and Grey Cup (our lower tier championship) to the Sunset Bowl and Cereal Bowl.
The healing process
I need to thank anyone who has been willing to talk with me about Rory in recent months. You're all helping me in significant ways. In particular I want to thank Gina, Molly, my mom, Joya, Stacy, Karen, Mess, Beno and my buddy Matt from work.
Music is a blessing and a curse
While I have generally avoided music whenever possible since December, I am trying very hard to change this. Because it was such a big part of my relationship with Rory, a lot of what I hear makes me think of him. I need to get past the avoidance stage somehow. The only way I can think of is just to jump back in. We'll see how it goes.
Forgiveness by Mason Jennings
Sitting on a bench in an old time station
Waiting for a train to forgiveness
I've brought no baggage, I've come here alone
Looking for a way to forgiveness
All these broken pieces of arrows in my side
I thought I could run with them, I know now I can't hide, so
I'm looking out upon the darkness down the tracks
Looking for the light of forgiveness
Call it bad company, call it what you will
My heart just won't let you go, I love you even still
Sadness and death, they both come along
So I sing this song called forgiveness
All these broken families, people taking sides
Hardly even bothered me, I never even cried, so
I'm crying on a bench in an old time station
Betting all I've got on forgiveness
