9.4.08

Rory,

I sense that I can now say that I have fully accepted your decision.

At the same time, I need you to know that I do not believe that happiness is something I am capable of feeling for you in regards to this, now or ever. 

When we see one another again, my hope is that you will say that you understand.

I’m able to recognize that you made this choice for you and you alone.  You were not trying to hurt anyone else and you were unable to comprehend the impact that it would have on all of us.

I’ve tried so hard to focus my energy on the fact that you are no longer hurting, but it is hard for me to do.

You should still be here.

Even with all that I understand, I still hope that in retrospect you have regret.  At the end of your life, you were unable to appreciate yourself.  In the afterlife, maybe that is different.

I have spoken with you on a number of occasions this year, though I've been unable to speak with or write to you in any level of detail. 

For myself and for my healing to continue, I needed that to change.

To bridge the gap, I reverted back to one of the easiest ways I have always been able to connect with you…through music.

I’ve made you a mixed disc.  If nothing else, it’s a first step.

I think that the songs will explain some of the emotions that I have not been able to through other mediums to this point.

When the Levee Breaks
01 Method Acting - Bright Eyes
02 Goodbye Sky Harbor - Jimmy Eat World
03 Porch - Pearl Jam
04 Forgive and Forget - Get Up Kids
05 You Were Right - Built to Spill
06 Soul Meets Body - Death Cab For Cutie
07 Believe - The All-American Rejects (formerly The Scientist - Coldplay...changed in 2009)
08 Darkest Hour - Glen Phillips
09 Forgiveness - Mason Jennings
10 For Me This Is Heaven - Jimmy Eat World
11 Just Breathe - Pearl Jam (added in 2012)
12 The Last Song - The All-American Rejects

My faith tells me that you are and will always be a part of my life, but there are moments when that is easier to acknowledge then others. 

At times, I need help seeing that.

That is why I’m indebted to you for the impact that you’ve had on Gina, in life and in death.  I do not know how I would be making it through all of this without her.  Especially since you left us, she has shown such bravery.  You would be so proud.

I love you and I miss you dearly Rory.

Boat Drinks,

Bri

9.3.08 (if at first you don't succeed)

Rory,

For what it's worth

The day after Rory took his life, Gina and I went over to his apartment to try and help out Paul and Karen by getting some of his belongings in order.  While we were there, we ran across this letter.  After reading, I was glad that I had found it. 

It helped me to re-focus a bit and put into perspective how long he had been battling. 

To this day, one of the things I consistantly struggle most with is that I feel like I let him down because I didn't realize he needed help in time to save him. 

I understand the irrationality in it because he had decided that it was time regardless if anyone had tried to help or not, but it still hurts.

I don't know if this letter will be of any benefit to others, but I've decided to share just in case.  I wrote the letter to him on 12/19/03 (four years to the day before he took his life).

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Rory,

Well, here goes nothing.  I know what I want to say to you right now but I am not quite sure how I am going to do it.  Since Monday night, my brain has been going non-stop thinking about you and everything involved with your situation.  My mind has essentially reviewed just about every moment I can remember that we have spent together.  Considering that and all the memories I have, you can see why it has consumed so much of my thoughts for the past few days.

What I want to do in this letter is simple really.  I want to be as honest and as frank with you as I can.  Seeing as I have considered you my best friend for about fifteen years now I feel that I can write a letter like this and you can appreciate what I am trying to say.  Not only because you recognize how much I care about you but also because I have been there from the beginning of all this and can base my opinion on experiences we have had over the last decade.  The point of this letter is to try and get you to understand your situation through my eyes.  I hope that this perspective will help you see things in a different light.  I am going to just lay it all out on the line, so be prepared for a lot of good things but also a fair amount of constructive criticism as well.

Before digging into the memory chest, I want to talk about this Monday night first.  I was scared.  I was more scared than I have been in a long time with you.  I was probably the only person who thought about this (in this amount of detail at least) but I really felt like something bad might have happened.  So, I was the one who called Terry and Karen Tuesday morning to try and get some answers and get you to the hospital if need be.  Why?  There was significance to me in two major things:

1. In your own indirect way, I felt that by not being home Monday night you were asking for help, especially considering I talked to you at 430pm on my bus ride home that day.  There is no way I could justify that you forgot it was Madden night.  I felt you left your house realizing what you were doing.
2. It was your birthday.  Not just any birthday though, it was your 27th birthday.  Jim, Jimi, Janis, Kurt, etc.  The magical year for overdose/suicide and something I am sure you are well aware of.

Not knowing a whole lot about the specifics of the last few weeks for you, I was very glad to hear that you were in the hospital and were safe.  Last night, it was good to see you and by all accounts you seemed like you were doing fairly well, all things considered.

But, it's last night that really hit home for me and is why I am writing this to you right now.  I paid particular attention to the people who were in Station 22 with you and it was very clear to me that you are not one of them.  It was clear enough that I did not need any doctor's explanation to see it.  It drove home to me this very significant point...

Rory, it's time for you to take responsibility for your life.

I am supremely confident in saying that you have the ability to live a long and successful life on your own and away from spending occasional trips in the hospital.  You have the ability to maintain a professional job for the long term, the ability to sustain a healthy long-term relationship and the ability to move completely past the point in your life you are at right now.

Rory, I know it is possible.  But, it doesn't matter what I think, or what Karen, Paul or Gina thinks.  It's up to you to make it happen.  To make it happen you need to do the following things and not allow yourself the option or potential for a single excuse why it can't be done.

1. Take your meds faithfully...every day for the rest of your life!
2. Ask for help!  We have been here too many times, I will no longer accept that asking for help is hard for you to do.  ASK FOR HELP!  You are blessed with people in your life that will do anything and everything they can for you.  Take advantage of that.
3. Be honest with yourself and with others.  When I say something resembling what I did as you left my house last Sunday night about getting up for work the next day, tell me you aren't working anymore.  You are as honest a person as I know but when you start slipping you allow yourself to lie (or more commonly omit the truth if not specifically asked).  It is unacceptable and you cannot let yourself do it any longer.
4. Accept responsibility.  Do not run from a challenge.  I think that says it all.
5. Put yourself in a position in your life to be successful.  Taking baby steps are OK.  I believe you do a good job recognizing this but don't always act accordingly.
6. Follow through.  Once again, this has not been a strong suit for you over the years.  But, why?  Ultimately there is no reason.  You have the ability to do it, figure out how.  You have so much potential.
7. Ask for help!  This category definitely deserves to be on here twice.  So, just for good measure, ASK FOR HELP!  An example of this is with your fantasy football team.  You have shown over the last couple of years that even with Internet access your are not that great with submitting a lineup.  So, it is probably time for you to consider a co-owner.  For one, just think how much stress doing this would take off of you.
8. Think long term.  Develop a plan for what you want to do with the rest of your life.  You have the ability to do this.  Set up milestones, even set up daily goals if it is what you need to continue to move forward with your life.  Not only that, but make sure you reach your goals/milestones as well.  Become the person you have always wanted to be.
9. Continue to seek therapy.  As much as I want to believe we can help you through anything I realize that there is definitely value in having Terry, or someone like Terry, always in your life.  I do not think you are, but you definitely should not be ashamed of this either.
10. Recognize when certain types of music or certain songs are not temporarily healthy for you and willingly resist from listening to them.  Same thing goes for movies and anything else you use to perpetuate the problem sometimes.
11. Be yourself.  We love you.  You don't need to become someone you're not to be successful in turning your life around.
12. No longer allow yourself the ability to use excuses.  All things considered, you actually do a good job with this in regards to others.  But, I think you use excuses with yourself too much.  For example, there is no excuse for staying in bed for days at a time.

Rory, I have seen you succeed for extended periods of time.  You have gone long periods of time without going into the hospital already.  Your goal should now be to never be there again.  But, even if you do, that does not mean you have failed.  No matter where your life takes you, you must find ways to continue to push your life forward.

Part of me thinks, and this may have been diagnosed with you, that you missed the nurturing stage in your life.  With your mom, you were sometimes more of the parent than she was.  You were not taken care of like you should have been (at least not until you were with Paul and Karen) and it has adversely affected your life.  Unfortunately you can't get that back, but there are ways to begin to heal.

There was a time befire I understood what bi-polar was and what it meant when I didn't think you would still be around to be in my wedding (not knowing at the time when my wedding would actually be).  Now, understanding what I do, I am looking forward to your wedding day instead.  It's within reach, you just need to make it happen.  First and foremost, you need to take time to work on yourself.  You understand yourself so well and there is nothing stopping you from turning your life around.  MAKE IT HAPPEN!

I needed to tell you this.  I needed you to know how I feel.  I hope you take what I am saying to heart, because I mean it.  I believe in you.  I believe that it is time for you to make a new start and for you to turn your life around in a positive way.

I love you.  I care so much about you.  I so badly want to see you get your life back in order.  You can do it.  But, it ultimately starts and ends with you.

Your friend always,
Brian