Break on through to the other side

 

Around 10pm tonight, my grandma took her last breath.

Shortly after my post on Monday she relapsed and was moved back into ICU.  By Tuesday night, my grandma had decided it was her time to go.  Overall, her chances of regaining any quality of life had deceased significantly and she made the decision to stop all treatment on Wednesday morning.  Instead, she was given morphine to help her painlessly drift away.  They had thought it would take anywhere from 24-48 hours (mainly because dialysis was stopped).

Wednesday night, Gina and I were able to say our goodbyes.  At that point, the morphine had kicked in and she was no longer truly awake.  While the morphine helped her tremendously it also eliminated any two way communication, as she basically slept.  However, I still got the sense that she could hear us talk to her which I am thankful about.

My mom and her siblings were able to individually say goodbye to her earlier in the day when she was still aware and could respond on some level to them.

After spending much of the last couple of weeks at the hospital, we (Gina, the girls and I) left the hospital tonight around 8:30pm as nothing had changed with her all day.  I was planning to head back up very early tomorrow morning with the girls.  Shortly after getting home is when we got the call from my dad.  I wish I was there but much of the family was still around which I am happy about.  My grandpa had spent about a half hour with her alone just before she passed away.  Gina and I both believe that her letting go so abruptly had a lot to do with whatever he said to her during that time.

Considering everything that she was fighting over the last couple of years, we are so blessed to have had her with us as long as we did (and Gina and I are especially grateful that she was able to get to know both Natalie and Macie).  She was an amazing person.

My mom, Matt and Morgan were in the room when it happened.  However, the rest of the family was able to get to the room just seconds later.  After being in a comfortable rest for over 24 hours, she opened her eyes and stared up at the ceiling just before she took her last breath.  I was told it was very peaceful.

About ten years ago, I gave both my grandparents memories books to fill out if they wanted to.  My grandma was the only one to do it and she did an incredible job answering questions, adding pictures from her childhood, etc.

I have not read it yet.

For so long, I told myself that I wanted to wait until she was gone to go through it.  I thought that if I had something to look forward to after we lost her it might help me heal.  Looking back, I wish I would have sat down with her and asked her about all the answers that I undoubtedly would have wanted to learn more about.

There is good news in all of this though.  My grandma lost her mother in childbirth and was raised by her aunt Louise.  My guess is that shortly after finding my grandpa tonight, she went looking for her mom and then her aunt and she's probably having a wonderful time with them right now. 

While I (and the rest of my extended family) will miss her incredibly, she was at peace with her decision.  Without being selfish on some level, there is not much more we could ask for.

I love you grandma.