I need to preface this post with a couple of statements:
~I very much believe in God
~I also believe in the spiritual afterlife
I know that 100% of those who may read this post do not have the same beliefs as I do so that very well could affect your interpretation of what has happened to me over the last 72 hours and I have no issues with that what so ever.
Where to start...
Tuesday afternoon I got a couple of my waves of sadness that I've attributed to Rory in the past. While it caught me off guard because it had been a while since I have had one, I have continued to get them here and there since December so it was not that unusual.
Tuesday night was when things changed significantly. Something was just different. I did not feel right but it wasn't any kind of sickness. I felt a presence. I've already stated I believe in the spiritual afterlife but I don't believe that I have ever actually experienced it before. It was so foreign.
After some deductive reasoning I thought maybe, just maybe, it could be Rory because I knew if he were still around he would have been with me watching the big Twins game that night.
However, the feeling was not soothing. In fact, it was downright uncomfortable. So much so that I tried to go to bed before the game was over just to no longer feel it anymore. Before I did though, Gina and Mo had an intervention with me but I was having a hard time putting what I was feeling into words. After a while, I thanked them for trying and decided to try to fall asleep.
That didn't work at all. I tossed and turned for most of the night and by morning I was uneasy to say the least.
Wednesday at work was not much better, I was bombarded with the waves of sadness. It almost felt like he had passed away just a couple of weeks ago. Wednesday night improved but I still did not sleep well. I went to bed early again and actually asked Rory if he would go watch the game with Jon instead. I knew he'd be watching. Shortly after that I started to relax a bit.
I asked Jon yesterday if anything changed for him during the game and he said not that he remembered. However, he did say that he had a dream with him, Bob, Popper and Rory in it that night which was, at a minumum, interesting.
Yesterday, I was up and down the entire work day. What I had always hoped would be a soothing experinece was turning out to be nothing of the sort. Had I mourned properly? Was this the start of a longer process I would be experiencing because I had not handled the grieving process in the right way initially? Those kind of thoughts definitely crossed my mind.
By the time I was on the bus ride home I decided I needed to address him. I told him that I felt strongly that it was him who was making me feel this way. I told him that I was grateful for that but I didn't think I was ready for it. I asked him if he would let me be, not permanently but at least until I can handle it in a healthier way. I said that if he did that for me then I would know that it was him and maybe in the future it would help me be more comfortable with how it was making me feel.
Since then, I've felt nothing. I still don't feel completely right but the waves of sadness and the spiritual presence I have been experiencing have left from what I can tell.
I'm grateful for what happened but I am also relieved that I am no longer having those moments right now.
I am hopeful that he will let me be for the immediate future and that when I am ready he will understand why I needed time before I could appreciate what he was trying to do.
Needless to say though, it's been an interesting few days.
~I very much believe in God
~I also believe in the spiritual afterlife
I know that 100% of those who may read this post do not have the same beliefs as I do so that very well could affect your interpretation of what has happened to me over the last 72 hours and I have no issues with that what so ever.
Where to start...
Tuesday afternoon I got a couple of my waves of sadness that I've attributed to Rory in the past. While it caught me off guard because it had been a while since I have had one, I have continued to get them here and there since December so it was not that unusual.
Tuesday night was when things changed significantly. Something was just different. I did not feel right but it wasn't any kind of sickness. I felt a presence. I've already stated I believe in the spiritual afterlife but I don't believe that I have ever actually experienced it before. It was so foreign.
After some deductive reasoning I thought maybe, just maybe, it could be Rory because I knew if he were still around he would have been with me watching the big Twins game that night.
However, the feeling was not soothing. In fact, it was downright uncomfortable. So much so that I tried to go to bed before the game was over just to no longer feel it anymore. Before I did though, Gina and Mo had an intervention with me but I was having a hard time putting what I was feeling into words. After a while, I thanked them for trying and decided to try to fall asleep.
That didn't work at all. I tossed and turned for most of the night and by morning I was uneasy to say the least.
Wednesday at work was not much better, I was bombarded with the waves of sadness. It almost felt like he had passed away just a couple of weeks ago. Wednesday night improved but I still did not sleep well. I went to bed early again and actually asked Rory if he would go watch the game with Jon instead. I knew he'd be watching. Shortly after that I started to relax a bit.
I asked Jon yesterday if anything changed for him during the game and he said not that he remembered. However, he did say that he had a dream with him, Bob, Popper and Rory in it that night which was, at a minumum, interesting.
Yesterday, I was up and down the entire work day. What I had always hoped would be a soothing experinece was turning out to be nothing of the sort. Had I mourned properly? Was this the start of a longer process I would be experiencing because I had not handled the grieving process in the right way initially? Those kind of thoughts definitely crossed my mind.
By the time I was on the bus ride home I decided I needed to address him. I told him that I felt strongly that it was him who was making me feel this way. I told him that I was grateful for that but I didn't think I was ready for it. I asked him if he would let me be, not permanently but at least until I can handle it in a healthier way. I said that if he did that for me then I would know that it was him and maybe in the future it would help me be more comfortable with how it was making me feel.
Since then, I've felt nothing. I still don't feel completely right but the waves of sadness and the spiritual presence I have been experiencing have left from what I can tell.
I'm grateful for what happened but I am also relieved that I am no longer having those moments right now.
I am hopeful that he will let me be for the immediate future and that when I am ready he will understand why I needed time before I could appreciate what he was trying to do.
Needless to say though, it's been an interesting few days.
I can't believe that our intervention didn't work! Gina and I are trained professionals! I mean, we do watch Intervention AND Paranormal State ... I think that more than qualifies us.
ReplyDeleteI very much believe the energy of recently passed loved ones linger. My mom has a few stories that sound similar to what you are experiencing too. I think you handled it well. My mom had to do that too, tell the person "Okay, it's time for you to go now."
ReplyDeleteDon't worry Mo, you'll find your inner-Chip someday. I'm certain of it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment Shannon, I really appreciate it. I don't feel crazy but i't's such a foreign feeling that just hearing stories like it definitely helps.
ReplyDeleteBig Stang,
ReplyDeleteI totally feel ya on this. I haven't experienced it with Rory, yet, but have with both of my parents. When you say "wave of sadness" I know exactly what you are talking about. You feel like you need to cry, but have no idea why, and nothing inside of you feels right. Little headaches, upset stomach, just kinda nausea in general. I'm glad you found a way to feel better. I usually tried to focus on a memory, or something I have of theirs that has a positive feeling for me, and it usually makes things subsides. Does make me wonder if they realize how they make us feel, as being in the afterlife probably has some level of awareness unbeknowsnt to us, as our feelings are now pretty foreign to them. Once in a while after those feelings, I'll have a dream where I have some sort of resolution, not necessarily anything specific, but more a kinda of "i'm not forgetting you" type of deal and I wake up feeling like a new man. Regardless, thanks for sharing this, I'm proud of you for that, and how you resolved it. I honestly think crazy is what we call things we are scared of, especially when it's something inside ourselves.
You are a good man Super. The intent of blog entries about Rory should not be for comments but at the same time sometimes it does help the person writing the post significantly. Thank you for taking the time to write what you did.
ReplyDelete