It was not that long ago that I was thinking I've probably made it through the worst of everything with Rory. It's been over a year now and I've been mourning his loss on certain levels far longer then he has been gone.
I definitely still think that is true, but believing that the past couple of weeks has been surprisingly difficult.
Each time I go through a long period of peace with him, as I did from late December to late February, I think I let my guard down. I tell myself that the worst is over and I don't take the steps that I normally do to make sure I'm dealing with Rory's suicide and how it has (and will continue) to affect my life in the way that I should.
A few things could have caused my recent lapse:
1. On President's Day, I had my batman tattoo touched up when Gina got a new one
2. It is baseball/strato season, which always reminds me very much of him
3. I've been getting more into music again
What have I been going through lately? Mainly, I just haven't felt right. I've also been having moments where I feel like he is either with me or is trying to communicate with me somehow again. I wish I could do some sort of justice explaining how it feels but I just don't know how to. It's not as intense as it was last year but it's still unnerving on some levels.
I need to keep reminding myself that Rory's decision with forever affect my life. I also must continue to learn fundamentally different ways of how to accept the way it makes me feel.
Earlier this week I was listening to the new All-American Rejects CD when I ran across a song of theirs called Believe that has put a lot of what I have been feeling recently into perspective.
I feel like finding the song may be what I need to get back on track again. I hope that I am right and things start to calm down again.
If you have a moment or two, here's the song if you are interested in checking it out.
There are other things about Rory that I need to continue to remind myself about too that this song helps portray lyrically. Below are some of the lyrics and a short note for each portion explaining how I have interpreted them with all that I have been feeling lately.
"Your innocence is not forgotten
I hope you know that where you are I wish you well"
~ Long story short, I still think of all of this as Rory's disease winning and not as him giving up...and as much as I get frustrated with him and the choice he made at times, deep down I sincerely hope he is in a better place right now.
"I don't ever wanna believe
I don't ever wanna believe
That when we die
We all leave"
~ Considering I feel as if I have been able to sense his presence at points over the last six months, this one has definitely tested my faith because I have never had to deal with this type of emotion before. Ultimately, I believe he is with us, but not because he is in purgatory. To me, I believe it is because he chooses to be here right now.
"There's a part of you that's left inside of me"
~ I think that I thought I could basically let him go and only call on the memories I have of him when I wanted to, but I'm learning more and more every day that is not the case. I am ultimately going to need to embrace this at some point in order to be at peace with it.
"Yesterday just took me hostage"
~ I won't always have control of what reminds me of Rory or when I am affected by it. The last two weeks prove that.
"I try to push you away
But you never push back"
~ Even as recently as earlier this week, I told him I am not ready for how I feel with his presence around me. Maybe, and I sincerely hope the day comes, I will become more comfortable with it. There has not been a time since he left us where I have asked him to seek me out or to spend time with me, yet.
"You made a mess out of me"
~ Clearly, his suicide shook our household to the core. It's been a long road back but we are going to win this battle. On so many levels, we already have. I hate that his actions have had this much affect on us...but I am also OK with it at the same time because it implies that his life had meaning within the context of ours. How wrong he was about being capable of that.
I definitely still think that is true, but believing that the past couple of weeks has been surprisingly difficult.
Each time I go through a long period of peace with him, as I did from late December to late February, I think I let my guard down. I tell myself that the worst is over and I don't take the steps that I normally do to make sure I'm dealing with Rory's suicide and how it has (and will continue) to affect my life in the way that I should.
A few things could have caused my recent lapse:
1. On President's Day, I had my batman tattoo touched up when Gina got a new one
2. It is baseball/strato season, which always reminds me very much of him
3. I've been getting more into music again
What have I been going through lately? Mainly, I just haven't felt right. I've also been having moments where I feel like he is either with me or is trying to communicate with me somehow again. I wish I could do some sort of justice explaining how it feels but I just don't know how to. It's not as intense as it was last year but it's still unnerving on some levels.
I need to keep reminding myself that Rory's decision with forever affect my life. I also must continue to learn fundamentally different ways of how to accept the way it makes me feel.
Earlier this week I was listening to the new All-American Rejects CD when I ran across a song of theirs called Believe that has put a lot of what I have been feeling recently into perspective.
I feel like finding the song may be what I need to get back on track again. I hope that I am right and things start to calm down again.
If you have a moment or two, here's the song if you are interested in checking it out.
There are other things about Rory that I need to continue to remind myself about too that this song helps portray lyrically. Below are some of the lyrics and a short note for each portion explaining how I have interpreted them with all that I have been feeling lately.
"Your innocence is not forgotten
I hope you know that where you are I wish you well"
~ Long story short, I still think of all of this as Rory's disease winning and not as him giving up...and as much as I get frustrated with him and the choice he made at times, deep down I sincerely hope he is in a better place right now.
"I don't ever wanna believe
I don't ever wanna believe
That when we die
We all leave"
~ Considering I feel as if I have been able to sense his presence at points over the last six months, this one has definitely tested my faith because I have never had to deal with this type of emotion before. Ultimately, I believe he is with us, but not because he is in purgatory. To me, I believe it is because he chooses to be here right now.
"There's a part of you that's left inside of me"
~ I think that I thought I could basically let him go and only call on the memories I have of him when I wanted to, but I'm learning more and more every day that is not the case. I am ultimately going to need to embrace this at some point in order to be at peace with it.
"Yesterday just took me hostage"
~ I won't always have control of what reminds me of Rory or when I am affected by it. The last two weeks prove that.
"I try to push you away
But you never push back"
~ Even as recently as earlier this week, I told him I am not ready for how I feel with his presence around me. Maybe, and I sincerely hope the day comes, I will become more comfortable with it. There has not been a time since he left us where I have asked him to seek me out or to spend time with me, yet.
"You made a mess out of me"
~ Clearly, his suicide shook our household to the core. It's been a long road back but we are going to win this battle. On so many levels, we already have. I hate that his actions have had this much affect on us...but I am also OK with it at the same time because it implies that his life had meaning within the context of ours. How wrong he was about being capable of that.
I am glad you are finding ways that help you get through your grief honey. And I love the song, of course!Love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you found this B.
ReplyDeleteI know this will get easier for you, and hopefully we/you can welcome him around whenever he feels he needs to swing by.
Loves ya buddy!
It is kinda funny but after I got home from the Watchmen on Saturday I realized that it was the first movie I watched since December 07 that I didn't think to myself "What would Rory think of this." Of course at that point I started to think "What would Rory have thought about this". There is a song I sent you in the U2 mix that Bono wrote about the death of INXS lead man Michael Hutchence, it is not extremely overt, very different situations, but it brings up Rory thoughts every time I listen to it.
ReplyDeleteRory, Rory, everywhere. I'm crying at work. I hate that! Your post was heart breaking for me to read. I also just ran across Stephanie's post about Rory Day. I had no idea. It looks like fun. I wish I could go to some level...and on the other I want to avoid it...like a lot of sad feelings. Keep on keeping on...it's all we can do.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ann. I have started to feel better since I posted and I had a good conversation about this stuff with Mess yesterday too. I apologize for contributing to make you cry. It's just one of those topics that we are never going to shake I guess.
ReplyDeleteKnow that Gina and I love you both very much.