It was time

Last month (on July 26th), I parked on Como Avenue in the morning near our old stomping grounds at 2004. I had an appointment out that way after work and it made the most sense to make the commute there in the morning instead of trying to deal with traffic later.

I made the appointment a few weeks in advance so I had time to think about the significance of the area I was going to be in. Fate had not led me there since December 19, 2007.  However, I knew the nearest intersection to where Rory took his life so it was just a matter of time before I went.

I’d been meaning to make my way over there since shortly after everything happened. At first, I held off because I felt like it would be a little too emotional for me to deal with (and Gina insisted that I did not go alone). She had/has no interest in visiting the tracks but she was willing to ride along and stay in the car so that someone would be there with me, if nothing else.

That didn’t seem fair to her, so in 2008 I spoke with Mess about going with me. We never came to any resolution on it other than I felt like he wasn’t opposed to the idea but he wasn’t necessarily itching to go either. As time passed, my need to go in the immediate future dwindled and I never brought it up with him again.

As the day approached, I got a little anxious a few times but just as quickly as I felt something, it’d pass. I knew I was going to go and I made the decision not to tell Gina. I wasn’t trying to hide anything by not mentioning it to her; I just didn’t want to put any more significance on the moment than it would already have.

After being dropped off by the bus, I got in my car and drove to where I though the spot was. It didn’t seem right so I drove around the immediate area for a while trying to find where the tracks led and if there was a more logical location. I’m not sure why I did that. I knew the intersection, there was no arguing that, so I went back and parked just down the hill from the tracks.

A few things stood out to me immediately:

1. The area looked nothing like how I pictured it in my head. Most of us know the general story as to what transpired that day and I had tried to imagine the type of location Rory would choose to commit suicide. It felt right to me, it just didn’t necessarily look right.

2. I didn't realize how close it was to 2004 Como. In fact, it is only one city block from it. For years, whenever we went to and from the Quarry, we were feet from where he did it. In the three years I lived on Como I never once drove over the tracks there. I always made the turn away from them. We heard the trains all the time but I don’t even recall knowing the tracks were that close to us.  That fact is so ironic to me since Rory made the decision to do it there for very specific reasons. I don’t know what those reasons were, but it’s not the type of decision he’d make randomly. I wonder how many times he went there knowing that someday it'd be the spot where he'd do it.

3. I wasn’t expecting anything to be there and, as expected, there was nothing around that defined the location as significant. I was happy about that. For the average passerby, it is just another stretch of track like anywhere else.

After trying to absorb what I was seeing, I walked up and down the tracks for a while. I looked around at all the different nooks and crannies nearby, attempting to figure out exactly how/where he did it. It was something I needed to do.

Once I had done that, I took a few pictures and grabbed a piece of a railroad tie that was lying next to the tracks. I am not sure what I will do with it. In fact, I haven’t taken it out of my car yet for that very reason.

Just before I was planning to take off, a train came. I was not expecting that and had not mentally prepared for the chance of it happening. My instinct was to leave but I convinced myself it was for the best to stay. It took a couple of minutes to get to me and as it approached I stood about 20 feet away (I’d never been that close to a train before) and watched it slowly roll over the tracks car by car. I think seeing the train there was a good thing because I was able to understand the finality of the decision Rory made. If he executed his plan, there was no chance for survival. That was easy to see.

Once the train passed, I stayed a little longer and then left. All said and done, I spent about a half an hour there. Looking back, I still feel like it was something I needed to do. I am more at peace with portions of what happened there on the 19th now. I don’t see myself going out of my way to get over there again yet I am all but certain that I will visit on occasion in the future.

To end this post I just want to say that while unexpected, I felt comforted at the tracks because it was where Rory chose to take his life. It was not something that I anticipated feeling before I went.

From Careful by Paramore:

"The truth never set me free
 The truth never set me free
 The truth never set me free
 So I'll do it myself"

If you get a chance, I would suggest listening to the entire song. I know it's not about suicide, but there is so much in it that makes me think of Rory.